Alolan Vulpix

When we heard there would be regional forms for the new tropical region, I don't think anyone expected new Ice types.

But by God, am I glad we got them. Alolan Vulpix doesn't have a neat spin on it like Sandshrew, where becoming an igloo made perfect sense, but it still looks perfect anyway. I could totally believe this was the original concept, a little snowy fox. The 6 tails lose a little distinction, but they end up looking like a snow drift, so that even works out. If every Alolan form were reinventions of this quality, I'd be a very happy man.

I just feel sorry for poor little Alolan Vulpix, it is pure and adorable and needs to be protected from the internet deviantart creeps. I know it's happening, I can feel it in my bones. Knock it off, you guys. I said STOP.


Overall: 8/10 -> 10/10

Alolan Sandslash

straight outta Planet Remulak with that cone head

Still cool, but I think I like the original best. Spikey icicles makes me wish we had a proper procupine Pokemon, but they just don't look as natural as vanilla Sandslash's spikey plates. And what's up with that one coming from the shoulder? How does that work? Looks like his arm is clipping through the spike.

But even with all that, he's got some sick claws and the overall design is solid. Solid like an ice cube. But with a little crack, because it's not perfect. Look, it's not the best metaphor, but it's all I got, okay?


Overall: 10/10 -> 8/10

Alolan Sandshrew

I like that these don't have to be tropical-themed alternate forms, it's less limiting.

First off, Sandrew is cute as h*ck and so is this icy version. A simple color pallet swap turns the bricks into ice bricks like an igloo, and actually makes more sense given his round shape.

To make things even better, the little guy slides around like a curling stone! It's amazing! If you don't love him, then I'm going to call the police and have them confiscate your 3DS, you're clearly not responsible enough to handle it.


Overall: 8/10 -> 10/10

Alolan Raichu

truly, we are in the Age of Gyaru.


Raichu got this way from eating too many pancakes, which is insane, but I'll buy it. Actually, it looks kinda like a pancake or cinnamon roll or something itself, all fluffy and glazed. I'd eat one, is what I'm saying.

But I'm also saying that those ears are over-simplified, and I just flat don't like the eye color. I think it contrasts poorly with the fur. The whole design reads like they got my memo about "simplifying" Pokemon, and just re-made Raichu with a delicious color scheme and smoother geometry.

The surfing gimmick hearkens back to the old Surfing Pikachu, but bizarrely doesn't learn Surf! Huge oversight. It doesn't need to be Water-type, just learn that one move, it would've been perfect. But no, instead it just psychically floats on its tail. If it's psychic, why does it need to float "on" anything? Shouldn't it just be able to float?

I still wanna butter one up and dip it in syrup and take a big bite, lil' guy looks like a nice golden brown marshmallow, the feet look like cream puffs...


Overall: 9/10 -> 5/10

Alolan Raticate

I know they always say you put on weight over a vacation...

Still Dark/Normal, but I'm past being excited by that. What we have here to day is one premium fat boy. I mean, he's got entire cantaloupe in each cheek, or maybe he's chewing on tennis balls. Raticate never had much of a neck, but now he's merged into a single bean-bag-like shape. Even the whiskers got fat, which is something I didn't think hair could do. Looks like someone was messing around with the horizontal scale tool and hue shader.

Some Pokemon look like they were born fat, it's in their species. Alolan Raticate pretty clearly lost control of his life sometime after dropping out of college to work at Radioshack and gained 75 lbs. of cheeto-and-miracle-whip-fueled depression.


Overall: 4/10 -> 2/10

Alolan Rattata

*James Cagney voice* Ooh, you dirty little rat!

Of course I'm doing the Alolan forms, because they're essentially brand-new Pokemon, just with halfway recycled designs. Which I don't mind, really. I'd rather they just re-skin Rattata each game instead of making up a new shitty rodent, especially if they're gonna give it more interesting typings. (Note that this doesn't affect the original version's scores at all)

Alolan Rattata is Dark/Normal, which to me sort of makes vanilla Rattata obsolete. His design isn't offensive, but just looks like some kid's day-1 sprite edit - color shift, and draw a few more spikey dongles on it. Making the whiskers into a mustache is funny.

I admit I have a bizarre sense of nostalgia for the classic purple/white colorscheme, despite patently not giving any shits about Rattata, but there's nothing wrong with the dark tones. All in all, a definite improvement.

I mean, it's still freaking Rattata, though...


Overall: 5/10 -> 6/10

No. 802: Marshadow

I'm Marshie! Spelled with an M, then -arshie!


So here we have it, the last Pokemon until Gen 8. Some sort of Deep Purple looking little duder. How is this a legendary, again? Don't get me wrong, I'm digging the design, and a Ghost/Fighting type sounds like something that's so far up my alley it's physically uncomfortable, but...

a little underwhelming, innit? Marshadow totally looks like a first-stage in a three-stage line. He ought to evolve into something bigger and badder, with more elaborate swirling smoke designs, but still the only points of color are the eyes. Grow extra arms, too, I don't care if Machamp already used that idea.

If he was gonna evolve, then he's a great start. But as a Legendary, Marshadow is a huge disappointment. Just a little fart cloud.


Overall: 5/10

No. 801: Magearna

Meet the newest Disney princess!


Magearna looks like a Transformer. I can totally image how it would tuck itself up and fold into a replica Pokeball. Which is kinda neat, I guess, but let's talk about the real story here: 500 years ago, somebody just straight-up MADE a clockwork Pokemon. That's crazy. Someone was able to manufacture genuine artificial life, immortal at that. Does it have a soul? Do regular Pokemon have souls? Do All Growlithes Go To Heaven? These are some deep questions we have to ask ourselves.

Furthermore, it kinda makes the whole Porygon thing look a little tame. Sure, using modern technology we made a Pokemon, big woop. Some asshole 500 years ago figured it out using a music box and a wind-up toy.

Magearna is a unique entity, and that's the point of Legendaries, so I won't dog on it too much for looking like a character from that Blue Sky Studios' Robots movie. And at least it's got a different origin than "primordial being since the world began" or "cute lil' guardian spirit".


Overall: 7/10

No. 800: Necrozma

You know they're just biding time until they hit 1000 at this point.

So okay, who's this big jaggedy bitch supposed to be? Oh, he's the obligatory 3rd Legendary Ass-Wipe, who will fuse with the other two to create a pair of even uglier Ass-Wipes? And he looks like an origami version of one of those late-stage Bionicles? That's so awful Sure, whatever, I don't give a shit.

Yeah, fine, he's got just like a weird chunk cut out of the back of his head because he's a prism, except prisms aren't black? Or maybe he represents a black hole, which of course he looks nothing like and that's a stupid idea I'm fine, I don't care.

What's that you say? His face has a bunch of colors on it for no reason at all? They happen to be the same colors of the Trials, but the Trials are already just the basic rainbow of colors so there's no further significance? Well I'd tell you that that sounds like the most annoying piece of crap I've heard all day, but I must maintain that Necrozma sucks I don't care about this at all.

Hm? He's just pure Psychic type? Right right right. What a terribly generic choice that adds nothing to anything Okay, that's obviously the best choice. I mean, who the hell knows what his deal is anyway, nobody involved with him gave a rat's ass, I certainly don't, I'm fine with everything I'M NOT FINE it's cool no worries


Overall: 1/10