Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Holiday Break

Now that I'm back on a fairly regular update schedule, I figure I ought to let y'all know I'll be on vacation from this weekend through the 4th of January. But make no mistake, I'll be right back at it after that.

Also - the month isn't even over yet, and already it's NAPACE's biggest in terms of views! Wow, I guess this is what happens with new game hype, spillover from Pokemon Go, and regular updates! Thanks for reading, guys. Eventually we'll run out of new Pokemon and the site will return to its dormant state, but let's not think of such sad things now.

No. 742: Cutiefly

check a look at this qt

Looks like a dang ass cat toy, complete with crinkly paper tied in a bow for "wings", and little bits of yarn dangling off and knotted at the end for "legs". If that's what they were going for, they nailed it. If not, well...

It's a cute little bit of fluff and that's all it was ever meant to be, really. But personally, I'm not a fan of pointless cute pieces of shit.


Overall: 3/10

Monday, December 19, 2016

No. 741: Oricorio

What, no Gangnam Style?


Oricorio comes in 4 different flavors to trade and collect. Each one has mediocre stats and gets one STAB move that comes at level 40, so good luck until then!

First up is the Cherry Flavor, always my go-to, unless Blue Raspberry is on board. I don't think Blue Raspberries exist in real life, but the Candy Man thought the world should taste good, and I thank him for it. Anyway, this one is based on flamenco, which is kinda cool I guess. I like how the wings look like the sashes on the dresses! She's got rhythm in her soul, passion in her heart, and fire in her eyes.

Baile Style: 7/10

Lemon is god-tier in sodas, but hit or miss when it comes to candy. Banana is an awful flavor in all cases except a natural banana itself. Oh damn, maybe it's pineapple? That would be good. Unfortunately, I don't think cheerleading is a kind of a dance, so I'm gonna have to dock points. But I get the high-energy connection with Electric typing.

Pom-Pom Style: 6/10

Peach is another favorite, when you get a red and a pink starburst in a pack you know you're gonna have a good day. And you know there's gotta be a hula Pokemon in the Hawaiian region. I kinda think it could've been its own thing, though? Instead of wrapped up in another gimmick? And why wasn't Belossom invited? Anyway, Pink Ranger here has some weirdness going on with those feather tips, they're barely hanging on.

Pa'u Style: 6/10
 
Grape sucks. There's a reason you never see grape ice cream. This bird doesn't suck though, once again we're connecting the wings to the dress elements, in this case kimono sleeves, with the tips forming fans. Obviously, this one is tailor-made for Valerie from Kalos, even though it's not a Fairy-type.The extra feathers by the eyes are a neat touch.

Sensu Style: 7/10


Altogether, it's a fine gimmick Pokemon that doesn't get in the way of itself. Really, they could've just made 4 distinct Pokemon, but at least you can swap their flavors back and forth if you want. All of the designs are at least decent, the only problem is that once again I feel like I'm looking at the background cast of the next Rio movie instead of Pokemon. They look too much like unique cartoon characters to get higher marks, even though the designs are pretty nice, especially the color schemes.

Overall: 7/10

Friday, December 16, 2016

No. 740: Crabominable

Silver and gold, silver and gold~


So like with Vikavolt, it's just straight-up bullshit how late you get Crabominable. Except it's even worse, because by that time you've only got the Elite 4 left.

That aside, he's still got issues. derpy face, Bartholomew Kuma hands, general style stolen from the Bumble, and a random piss-yellow patch of fur on the top of his head. He looks like a flailing idiot and I wouldn't add this crap to my team on any occasion, especially not in the final hour.

I want to like the concept of a yeti crab, and Ice/Fighting hasn't been seen before, but he's too ugly and I resent him too much for coming so late in the game.


Overall: 3/10

Thursday, December 15, 2016

No. 739: Crabrawler

I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am.

I'm a fan of crab Pokemon, and Crabrawler brings me closer to that dream of an all-crustacean time. It breaks the mold and isn't Water-type either, which is good and fine. If we can have Fire turtles and Ground crocodiles, I think it's okay to have Fighting crabs. I like how it uses its claws as blunt instruments to punch things instead of grip them, that's a new take. And the hair looks like a yankee's pompadour.

Not sure I like the half-closed eye, though - I understand it's meant to look like a beat-up boxer, but is Crabrawler just thrashed at all times? It can't go through a day without getting into a fight and having a big ol' shiner opened up on his head? That's kind of hardcore.

But let me take another opportunity to talk about what could've been:

An artist's rendering of a potential Gen-1 Crabrawler. It's not perfect, and I think the point here isn't that the design concept is wrong, but rather it looks simplistic, as if constructed out of basic primaries in Maya. The end result is a Pokemon that look plastic, manufactured, and fake.

Crabrawler still rocks, but I dunno you guys. This is the last alt-art I have, so I'll probably stop bringing it up, but now that it's in my head I can't stop seeing a lot of these new Pokemon as smoothed-out, toy versions of real Pokemon.


Overall: 8/10

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

No. 738: Vikavolt

Vic Viper, I see you. Parodius is still best Gradius.

So, that is a massively cool head+jaws. Aside from the Gradius reference, it looks like a railgun, and also like it could cut the crap out of some trees just flying past, like Kuwagamon in that first Digimon episode.

After that, eh it's a kind of generic beetle body, with weird-ass semi-circular wings. Or is it just one singular wing? Hard to tell. I usually like my pokemon with more mobility, but for a flying death-cannon-chainsaw, it's acceptable.

What is unacceptable is that you have to wait all the way until the very-near-endgame to evolve it. You get the damn thing route 1, it evolves at 20 and starts to pull its weight, then drops off a cliff when everything else in your party starts evolving around 30-36, and it's still stuck as a Charjabug through all 6 trials and the Aether shenanigans. Now, I get the idea of spacing out a Pokemon's evolutions so that it doesn't come too early - look at the pseudo-legendaries that take until 50 usually to reach their final stage, or how some late-game Pokemon in Black & White evolve around 40. But that's because those pseudos are so damn strong it's worth the wait, and those late-game Pokemon come to you at level 38 and junk.

Vikavolt is cool, but he's absolutely not worth the wait. I hate the "evolve at a location" evolutions on principal because they're so ridiculously contrived and arbitrary (Leafeon is a mid-game Pokemon and Glaceon is late-game according to Alola) and why can't it just be levels? If you didn't want me to use Vikavolt until I was around level 45 in my party, just friggin' say so.

Oh, and it's even slower than Charjabug, which did not even have legs, so actually the idea of it flying around cutting down trees is unrealistic. What a mess. It's still got a badass front end, but I can't get how frustrating everything else about it is out of my head.


Overall: 6/10

Monday, December 12, 2016

No. 737: Charjabug

wonder if he learns Aerobatics because he's like a Boeing 737?

Which makes him learning Aerobatics and going Maximum Spider even funnier.

But I'm pretty sure you can stack these guys really well, or stick 'em end-to-end in some sort of grotesque Poke-Centipede, but mainly it looks like a bus to me. A shitty bus.

I'm just thinking of how neat a big-ass bug bus would be, like the cat bus from Totoro, except with feelers and legs! And that's not Charjabug. Charjabug doesn't even look capable of movement. Charjabug looks like a damn piece of moldy caramel.

It gives me a chuckle, but that's about it.


Overall: 3/10

Saturday, December 10, 2016

No. 736: Grubbin

Isn't this guy a Pikmin enemy?

I feel like Grubbin could be some Chinese delicacy - like you pick them up by the jaws, and then bite the soft body. I'm imagining they're like the side of a Jolly Rancher in this scenario.

Alternatively, maybe there's some weird trend where people clip Grubbin onto their noses or navels or ears or whatever, or at least imitation jewelry.

Why am I coming up with bizzare uses for Grubbin? Because he's rather boring otherwise and I needed to fill the space. Not bad, just dull. At least he isn't another caterpillar, being a big-jaw bug gives him a slight edge over Caterpie, Wurmple, Scatterbug, and their ilk. And those sideways mouth-parts are neat.


Overall: 5/10

Friday, December 9, 2016

No. 735: Gumshoos

EVEN MORE OBVIOUS TRUMP JOKES LOLOLOL

But, Gumshoos has no relation. He's supposed to be like a detective, hence the name. I think the hair is supposed to look like a cap? And the weird fur is supposed to look like the lapels of an overcoat?

I don't know, it's all very weird and feels like they're trying to reference some specific fictional detective, but all the ones I know either wear fedoras, or Sherlock Holmes hats. None of this stupid driver cap bullshit. Maybe I'm just missing the reference? The most famous detective in Japanese culture I thought was Inspector Zenigata, characterized by the coat yes, but also a fedora and enormous cleft chin.

All in all, Gumshoos feels like an awkward joke that lingers in the air and everyone just has to chuckle as if they thought it was funny so nobody's feelings get hurt but at the same time don't want to encourage more jokes like that in the future.


Overall: 1/10

Thursday, December 8, 2016

No. 734: Yungoos

FORCED UNFUNNY DONALD TRUMP MEME LOL

Didn't we already have a mongoose Pokemon? was this well really so deep we could draw from it a second time? Especially considering we already have a handful of weasel/ferret things already.

The focus on the teeth is a new angle I guess, but I don't really like the way the face is constructed - it feels super flat, or fake like a stuffed animal.

I ask this every time, but especially in a game with a new form of Rattata - why did we need a new regional rodent? Couldn't Alolan Rattata have sufficed? Yungoos looks stupid and an admittedly neat Stakeout ability doesn't even start to remotely make sense until his evolved form.


Overall: 2/10

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

No. 733: Toucannon

turns out every color of Froot-Loop is actually the exact same flavor.

After a poor start, I wasn't expecting much from this line. But then, descending from the heavens like my own personally big-beaked savior, came Toucannon. He's angry as a hell and twice as pissed.

And unlike Trumbeak, he benefits from the animation - his beak actually changes colors as it powers-up, looking like a super meter charging. It fits great for his very unique personal move, Beak Blast, which goes last but burns anyone who makes contact with him before that. 100 power is great, and while it sucks to take a hit, you get to burn the opponent out of it! As a Flying type! How often does that happen!?

It's a great gimmicky move (I pair it with Drill Peck to get some immediate attack power if I can't afford to tank anything) and he still retains his decent movepool from before.

Plus (and I cannot emphasize this enough) he is goddamn livid 100% of the time. Maybe he hates his previous forms, maybe he hates Alola, maybe he hates YOU, I have no idea but it's amazing.


Overall: 10/10

Monday, December 5, 2016

No. 732: Trumbeak

is this bird wearing lipstick

I ended up actually using my Trumbeak somewhat, because he learned Brick Break and some other move, ending up with quite a bit of versatility. And also because, in an effort to only build a team around new Pokemon, there's slim pickings on the first island.

But I mentioned before that I'm going to start taking a Pokemon's animations into account, since they are no longer designed to communicate everything about them in one still image. And usually that means better things, you can see their gimmicks or design facets that weren't apparent.

But Trumbeak actually gets worse with animations - I've never seen a bird pucker up and blow a kiss before, but now I have and it's goofy as hell. Beaks don't work that way, and if you wanted him to have a trumpet for a beak then maybe just make it like that from the start. Have we had any pokemon that are made to look like musical instruments before? Might be neat, actually.

Anyway, Trumbeak had a chance to stand out a bit from the rest of his filthy avian cousins by pushing the woodpecker theme, but instead of getting a drill beak he flaps that thing open and plays a tune. Well, he may as well play his own funeral march because he is dead to me now.


Overall: 1/10

Sunday, December 4, 2016

No. 731: Pikipek

I was gonna try and type out the Woody Woodpecker laugh, but it would just come across as gibberish. You'll have to imagine it yourself.

New region, new piece of crap bird. It never changes. Kinda looks like those little cardinals that are all over Hawai'i, so that's nice, but in the end nobody has any reason to give a single shit about this little dude if it weren't for his evolutions.

So instead, I'll just take this opportunity to point out another mounting problem with Pokemon. Back in Gen 4 we complained about them being over-designed, but these days we're seeing a different sort of under-designed aspect, where they make the pokemon exceedingly simple for the modelers/engine.

The fur and feathers get simplified into smooth little spikes or flaps, it's the clay-style I was talking about earlier with Popplio. Granted, this re-designed Pikipek is still super boring because it's just another bird, but it looks as if the artist was at least trying.


Overall: 2/10

Pokemon Moon First Thoughts vol. 6

Finished the game! Or at least beat the Elite Four and saw the credits.

-I can't believe I got into a Pokemon game's plot so much that I don't want to give away spoilers! Somebody, give the people in charge of story/writing a raise, they were putting in work. I felt connected to the major characters, and even the minor ones showing up at the end for the big party was cool.

-Speaking of, they did a great job handling the box Legendary this time around, though it would've been even cooler to get Nebby in your actual party, and restrict its evolution to storyline events.

-I've got some opinions on the Elite 4 themselves, but I'll save that for when we get to rating them, after the Alolan pokemon are done.

-Odd choice for Victory Road (Grand Poni Canton in this case) not to take place directly before the league, but whatever. I walked into that icy cave expecting a major dungeon and was slightly disappointed there weren't any trainers to be found.

-Have I mentioned that it's some ol' bullshit trying to get the version-exclusive colors and clothes? Your trainer customization is already so limited, why screw it up further?

-Overall, this was a great game. I was engaged every step of the way and had a lot of fun. Definitely one of my favorites, going right up there with SoulSilver and Black 2. Would love to see a Moon 2 on the Switch, like the rumors are saying, some sequel that advances the story and lets us see where the characters are in a few years.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

No. 730: Primarina

Remember Prima Guides? Remember how much they sucked?

For once, the secondary typing makes total sense. It's one of the most blatant waifu-mons I've ever seen, so of course it's part Fairy. After all, it's a pretty pretty princess! That hair must be a nightmare to maintain.

It's funny to compare Primarina to Dewgong. they're both based on seals but one of them is flat and boring, and the other has little costume details all over the damn place. (yes I know a dugong isn't a seal but work with me here). Chalk it up to higher graphical fidelity allowing the designers to include more elements, or perhaps shifting design sensibilities. But the result is something that looks nothing like a Pokemon.

I think I've isolated what it is about these recent starters, and some others, that does sit right with me:  they don't look like common monsters. They look like unique characters. And I think that's an important part of a Pokemon (aside from Legendaries obviously) is that they ought to be monsters. Not necessarily animals, but.

And yeah, I know there's only one starter in the game anyway so they're practically unique, but I just can't imagine other people running around with their own Primarinas, or Decidueyes, or any of them existing in the wild.

And it's too bad, because Primarina has a decent design, but she belongs in some children's cartoon as the Queen of Mermaidopolis, not in a pokeball.


Overall: 3/10

Thursday, December 1, 2016

No. 729: Brionne

I've had it with this idolshit invading all my favorite series

Brionne is better than Popplio, though that isn't exactly hard. That collar turning into a dress is a nice touch, and it's got cute eyes. So, a success, I suppose? In a limited sort of way for an off-night.

because it's still not terribly exciting, and I don't really like the ears, but at least it's cute.


Overall: 5/10

Monday, November 28, 2016

Pokemon Moon First Thoughts vol. 5

-Before going further, I took this time to make sure I had everybody I wanted from the routes:
Mr. Bear the Stufful
Hukilau the Comfey
Dr. Zaius the Oranguru
Pikaboo the Mimikyu
Gradius the Minior
Gelato the Sandygast
Humu the Bruxish
(plus some obligatory older-gen Pokes, but whatever)

-But after cruising through the trials until now, I got stomped by Mimikyu. I knew it would absorb the first attack, but then I tried to sleep it, missed the first time, and when I hit it immediately ate its berry and recovered. Also I didn't realize it was part Fairy. Re-ordered my party, and had Papaya Pluck that bitch first thing, and it was fairly simple after that.

-Then I got humbled again, fighting one of the Route Boss trainers I'd skipped over. I let Ledian set up both kinds of screen, so when Pinsir came out I couldn't KO him before he Swords Danced twice, and then he went Brick Broke Back Mountain on my ass. For the rematch I just got rid of Ledian in a hurry, so I still had an available avenue of attack to defeat Pinsir.

-After that, the real blow to my pride came. The Route Boss up on that mountain only had one Absol, and it Night Slashed my team to death like it was straight outta some 80's horror flick. No strategy, just too stronk. But, I realized a lot of my team was right around level 30, just a few shy of evolving. Grudgingly I turned EXP share back on for a bit, and evolved 'em all. Easily won the rematch, especially with Pikaboo taking point.

-Can we just say how absolutely amazing Mimikyu is? Tanking the first hit, of any kind, is SO damn good. Some times I use it to Swords Dance, sometimes I just use it for a free attack, it lets me switch in with impunity, and then the darn thing has the speed and attack to still make a difference, and the defense to stick around afterwards, too. I'll be singing this thing's praises very highly in a few weeks, or months, or whenever it comes up.

-Team Skull is amazing. Po Town was amazing. Guzma and Plumeria are amazing. I love everything about these boneheads.

-The story is actually maybe kinda good? Is that possible? I care about the characters, and it surprised me with some bits, more than I can say for any other Pokemon game, which tend to be as by-the-numbers as possible. Still not finished, but I'm invested and want to know what happens next. This is a first for me.

-Got to Poni Island, the Kaua'i analog... and the map is showing it's basically a wasteland without civilization. Big ol' dustbin where Kapa'a should be. Ever heard of Mt. Waialeale? Rainiest spot in the world? Or that Kaua'i is known as the Garden Island? Yet you decide to make it the desert level of the game. Fucking thanks, Gamefreak.

-but seriously, Lillie is adorable and I'm even starting to come around on Hau and I want to play more but I've been so busy with other junk

No. 728: Popplio

brought to you by Sculpey

Popplio looks like he would be extremely easy to make out of clay, is what I'm saying. His limbs, ears, and nose all look like there's no way they could have grown organically, someone had to stick 'em on there. And it's not even Will Vinton or Laika here, I'm talking some Gumby shit. I'm talking some Morph-tier half-assed claymation, the kind where you can see the fingerprints all over everything and the characters just glide around instead of walk properly because animation is hard.

And also I think his nose looks like a party had that he's wearing down over his mouth, instead of on his head. I didn't choose him, taking Litten instead, and Hau decided he'd rather take the elemental disadvantage and go with Rowlet than pick Popplio, and I don't blame him.


Overall: 2/10

Saturday, November 26, 2016

No. 727: Incineroar

...AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CINEROAR


We continue the theme of unpredictable sub-types. Why isn't the wrestle-cat Fire/Fighting? I guess because he's a Heel, so he's Dark, and Fire/Fighting starters are overdone, but... it's like Decidueye being Grass/Ghost. More of a decision for interesting gameplay, than any sense relating to the design.

And this design is some Tony-the-Tiger-ass shit. The grey chest looks dumb, and there's something "off" about the entire face. And as badass as the flaming belt sounds, in practice it doesn't really work. Flaming shoulders would've been cool as hell, or how about a FLAMING MANE ON YOUR TIGER POKEMON JESUS CHRIST GAMEFREAK IS IT SO HARD

Speaking of wrasslin', the theme job here is half-assed. Sure, he learns a Lariat, but then he does a big goofy Zangief lariat that's more like a cyclone maneuver. And his Z-move is called Moonsault, but it's more like a 450 Splash. (I do like the trainer doing the YES fingers tho) Throat Chop is cool, but redundant when Darkest Lariat exists. And they missed an opportunity not giving him an ability where he powers up when you switch him in for an ally who was at low health. Hell, call it Hot Tag, that even works with the Fire typing. Gamefreak, call me. I'm doing your damn job for you over here.

I'm giving this guy a low score mainly for being so much wasted potential, and also for being a roody-poo candy ass jabroni. And that's the bottom line, 'cuz NAPACE said so.


Overall: 3/10

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Pokemon Moon First Thoughts vol. 4

Finished out Akala, and did the Electric trial in Ula'ula.

-I was playing with Exp Share on, because I was catching a bunch of dudes and swapping them out all the time, but now that my team is solidifying I turned it off, for a better difficulty curve. It's not really "hard", because the NPCs still only use 1 or 2 Pokemon, but it doesn't feel like a cakewalk either.

-Papaya evolved into Toucannon, and is definitely the MVP of my team right now. But that might just be because he's the only one who's fully evolved...

-I want to see Guzma and Kukui in a Hell in a Cell match. NOW.

-Aether doesn't appear evil, but Lusamine made a creepy face and wants to mommy everything. Also, it's funny that Pokemon has now made both animal-rights activists and conversationalists into its villains. Next they'll go after orphanages or something.

-Z-Moves aren't as busted as I was expecting, but I still think they're kinda unnecessary. The animations are actually fun to watch, but it's the posing and redundant textboxes beforehand that slow it down for me.

No. 726: Torracat

If you were on the Detroit Lions, would you be pissed about having to play every Thanksgiving? Discuss.

Torracat is just a bigger Litten, and there's nothing wrong with that! Though the outline around his eyes makes him look even more like something outta Hanna-Barbera.

Since I don't really have much else to say, let me just mention how the touch-your-Pokemon feature is a lot better implemented this time around. I didn't bother with it at all in XY, but here, when you can access it immediately after battle and even use it to heal status effects, I use it all the time. You can call me David Cop-a-feel because my hands are all over these Pokemon.

And it's funny how Torracat's little bell collar thingie burns your hand. Attention to detail is nice!


Overall: 6/10

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

No. 725: Litten

shit was lit af

I just got a new cat in real life not too long ago. He's a troublemaker, always getting at the blinds, trying to knock things off shelves, etc. So I felt obligated to pick Litten this time around, even though he's nothing special.

The tufts of fur seems too even to me, I'd prefer something a little more natural-looking, but this is modern Pokemon after all. And I like his eyes, heavy-lidded with disdain for the world. So cynical at such a young age.

Honestly, Litten is kinda boring, but he's not doing anything wrong (unlike my cat. Bad kitty, bad! Stop chewing on that!!) so I guess he's alright.


Overall: 6/10

Monday, November 21, 2016

No. 724: Decidueye

I can only imagine how many kids are getting into fights over how to pronounce this name. Dyslexic kid can only cry.

So, Grass/Ghost, huh? Why? Just 'cuz? okay...

I dunno you guys, this one feels sorta Digimon-esque to me. Could see it named Robinmon or Sherwoodmon or something. Also, I've identified something else that just felt "off" about Chesnaught last gen - it's not a reptile thing. All the previous Grass starters have been like dinosaurs or snakes or lizards or whatever, somehow it just doesn't feel right to see a bird up here. And I know everybody and their mother has been inventing Grass-owl starters for years but I've never really been a fan. Not as a starter.

It's a fine design, and I get the theme of feather/arrow/darts. I also get how they're doing another RPG-Job-Class trio, and I just don't know if I really like that either.

I don't hate Decidueye by any means, the design isn't bad, it's just not "Pokemon". I think I need to put him in the same category as Golurk and Bisharp. Get him his own game that's more Fantasy-RPG with animal characters and less collectible-pets.

Overall: 5/10

Pokemon Moon First Thoughts Vol. 3

Beat the second Kahuna, now I'm about to go fly to the Aether HQ to probably have them lie to my faces and tell me that they aren't secretly evil. Because Lillie was totally helping Nebby escape in the opening, and because the only people who wear all-white are yakuza or Klansmen.

-Can we talk about how saturated with Best Girls this game is? I mean, Gamefreak has always been on the leading edge of waifu technology, but I just went through that section where Plumeria, Lillie, Burnet, and Olivia come up to you in quick succession and dang.

-It didn't hurt that I'm playing the female avatar, either. I thought her little hat was too cute to pass up, and I'm having some fun dressing up and stuff. But I wish we could use any of the clothes options the NPC trainers get, that would be cool.

-Not many new additions to the squad, just Sizzle the Salandit and Skullomania the Cubone. The latter of which ran roughshod over the fire trial, one-hitting everything. I've heard people say Totem Salazzle was a hard fight, but I mean... Bonemerang. I wasn't even overleveled.

-Totem Lurantis made up for it, though. I still won, but I was getting pissed from all its Synthesis bullshit. And then its Trumbeak tagalong spamming supersonic, yeesh.

-Have I mentioned how good the music is in this game yet? I could listen to Konikoni Town's theme all day.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Pokemon Moon First Thoughts Vol. 2

Finished off Melemele, completed the first trial on Alaka, and am now ready to go into that volcano park.

-I still am not a fan of taking control away from me every area to give a little cut-scene, I just want to be left alone to wander and figure stuff out.

-but this game is funny, though! Team Skull is a hoot, Lillie keeps getting lost, and professor Kukui is like Ric Flair meets Randy Savage.

-caught some new Pokemon:
Ponyo the Wishiwashi
Orchid the Fomantis
Sooki the Mudbray
Exxon the Grimer
ACDC the Grubbin
(and a bunch of ones from past games, just out of habit)

-I love how they've replaced HMs with these partner Pokemon. Good riddance to HM slaves. Also, did they turn down the encounter rate while surfing, too?

-Accidentally went into that Fantasy Festival Plaza thing. I had no goddamn clue what was going on, people just kept asking me questions I couldn't possibly know the answer to, confetti everywhere, it's my responsibility, Cinderella's castle in the background, fat Greek kid shouting at me, people running back and forth rearranging folding chairs until somebody gets hurt, it was like a David Lynch film. I'm never going back.

No. 723: Dartrix

Look at this Arin Hanson-looking punk.

Rowlet was cute, but Dartrix is full of shit, apparently. Thinks he's God's gift to owls or something. Well, the fact is, you look like you have a shaggy brown beard and a green mustache, so yeah. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

I guess he's not too bad, but that little hair flip pisses me the piss off. I think we all knew a kid in middle school who thought he was so anime he could get away with it, except he totally wasn't.


Overall: 5/10

Saturday, November 19, 2016

No. 722: Rowlet

get ready to hoot and patoot


First off, Rowlet looks dead and stuffed in this artwork. But as I've said, these days you kind of have to factor in the in-game model and animations. They don't just leave it all on the table with the artwork anymore, which I kinda don't approve of, you ought to be able to communicate everything you need to know about a Pokemon with a single image, but.

and Rowlet is pretty dang cute in the game! He's got an adorable little bow-tie, and rolls his head all around. I still think they could've given him less creepy eyes, but it's a fine effort anyway. Probably the best-looking starter this time around (but we'll get to the much-more-important Final stages later...)


Overall: 8/10

Pokemon Moon First Thoughts Vol. 1

Picked up the game last night. I've been busy so I'm only about 5 hours deep, but it's not like I want to rush this anyway. I like to take my time and enjoy it, island-style, ya dig?

-I really like how the environments feel less blocky. We went to full-3D movement with XY, but you could tell it was still designed on a grid. But right away in Moon, I see paths that curve around, and the patches of grass feel especially natural.

-With that said, the technical limitations of the 3DS are on full display. The models themselves are fine, but that pixel resolution, forced outline, lack of anti-aliasing, and often terrible texture quality are very noticeable. I've heard rumors of a version for the Switch, and honestly it feels like about time Pokemon stepped into the modern realm of graphics. The utter abandonment of 3D is funny to me as well, but I guess it only served to create more lag, huh?

-I like how they're actually committed to the Hawai'ian theme. Last game was in "France" but it didn't really feel particularly French to me - the people were too polite, and smelled too good! This time, there's tan skin aplenty, and I see slang like Howzit thrown around. I'm glad they didn't go overboard and try and full Pidgin it, but it's nice! Can't wait til I get to Kauai, where I lived.

-damn there are a lot of cut-scenes and hand-holding. I just want to play the dang game already but bitches keep hassling me every 10 feet to tell me about some cool new feature and hand me an exp share or something.

-I try to run a team of only new pokemon for a first playthrough of a game, but so far I've hardly met any new ones! I've got a Litten, named Rocky after my irl cat, a Pikipek named Papaya (who just evolved into Trumbeak actually), and I'm filling out the rest with an Alolan Meowth named Bad News, Wight Lady the Gastly, Perry the Wingull, and Avedakedavra the Abra.

-the music is pretty neat, too. I dig the little jingle for picking up items, it's really keeping in theme!

SUN AND MOON ARE HERE

Guess who's back, back again. NAPACE is back, tell a friend.

That's right, people. The new games are finally here, so finally I can start digging into this new generation and telling you which ones suck. Last time, when X and Y released, I wanted to hold off for a while, so I could play the dang game and get to know the Pokemon involved. And I still think it's important to see how a Pokemon feels in-game before making a final judgement about it, especially now that so many Pokemon take advantage of the 3D animations to display parts of their design that aren't readily apparent in their artwork.

But, it feels like it's been so long since I've had anything to post, that I'm itching to just get started. Hopefully I can play at a faster rate than I can review (and longtime readers know I can review at a pretty damn slow clip if I put my mind to it).

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Gen 7 Plans

So, like I did with Gen 6, I'm going to wait until Sun and Moon come out and I've played them a bit before I go in on the ratings. Especially don't want to jump in and conclusively rate peeps when I haven't even seen their full evolutionary line yet.

Though I gotta say, so far I'm not getting a good feeling about the new crop. Nobody jumps out at me yet, and a few seem actively terrible. I hope to be proven wrong, but I guess we'll see! Looking forward to the Alola region, though. Finally a game is set in a place I've lived, so it'll be cool to see what they do with the landmarks and culture and stuff.

In other news, how bout dat Pokemon Go? Seems really simplistic, but it's a neat idea at least. I want to see Pokemon from more than just Gen 1, too.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Primal Groudon and Primal Kyogre

People have been asking for me to officially review these, so I guess I may as well.

Primal Groudon is like regular Groudon, except with some shiny shit.

Overall: 4/10


Primal Kyogre is like regular Kyogre, except with some shiny shit.

Overall: 3/10


I mean, what were you expecting, really?

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Gen 7 Starters announced

Hot diggery damn, they finally let loose the seal! Sun and Moon starters announced, and while as before I'd like to wait until the game actually releases before I form official opinions on them, lemme give you my first thoughts.


Rowlet looks stuffed and lifeless.


Litten looks like something out of Yokai Watch.

Popplio looks like a mistake.


Well, uh... hopefully they all get better evolutions~!

Friday, April 1, 2016

Yo-kai no. 65: Cheeksqueek

Gives a true meaning to the phrase "butt-chin".

So this is proper disgusting, first off. Dude has a butt for a face, that's just not remotely anything I wanted to think about today, but here I am. This is the life that I chose.

I hate how his nostrils look like those dimples people sometimes have above their buttcrack, and I hate how he has a clump of brown hair that looks like poo. I mean, I get that you gotta do faithful representations of various yo-kai, but there's gotta be a thousand of those things. So maybe, just... don't do the one with the ass-face?

Oh, and this literal shitstain's shirt says "fart" on it, as if you really couldn't tell his gimmick. GEE TELL ME MORE HOW ABOUT DRAWING HIM FARTING ALL THE TIME SO WE- oh you did that too, just had to add that cloud of toot coming right out of his anus/mouth. Wonderful.

Overall: 1/10

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Pokemon 20th Anniversary

Though it's only been 18 here in America, Pokemon turned 20 this year. I'm getting all sorts of nostalgia-shocks, remembering how much this franchise used to rule my life.

Watching the show for the first time at my best friend's house, recording every episode on VHS tapes so that I could watch them again, trying to time it to avoid recording the ads as well, getting a pack of cards after being a good boy at the dentist's, opening a pack and finding a holographic Blastoise and being the envy of the playground for a week, how nobody else but me seemed to know how to actually play the game, the crinkle of the wrapping and smell of new cards, even collecting the cardboard ones from the backs of Lunchables and almost paying 50 cents for a Haunter that I wanted, listening to the 2 B.A. Master album and singing along in the car, arguing with kids who liked Digimon better, going to see the 2000 movie in theaters and getting an Ancient Mew card, those little glass dollops that used to come in the box sets for damage counters, playing Stadium and making a team of Mewtwo, Charizard, Mewtwo, Machamp, Zapdos, and Diglett, having a Pokemon-themed birthday party with all sorts of arts-n-crafts, bonking Pokemon on the head with apples in Pokemon Snap, how the Pokemon sprites in Super Smash Bros always faced the camera no matter how you turned it, screaming at the mic in a vain attempt to get Hey You! Pikachu to work, naming my cat after a Pokemon, and of course - playing those wonderful, ugly, magical, broken, mesmerizing games.


They also announced a new pair of games - Sun and Moon. These will launch later this year, so I guess that means NAPACE will finally have new fodder! I can't guarantee I'll have much to post about until they start leaking the new 'mons, and even when they do I think I want to wait until I get my hands on them in-game to review them. But that's something to look forward to, right?

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

New Zygarde forms

I wasn't sure if I should do these yet or not, since they aren't even technically in any game. But I've been biting my tongue for too long, and it's starting to go numb.

Basically, this is some stupid shit. This is the dumb stuff right here, ladies and gentlemen. This is the sort of material you get when you're done scraping the bottom of the barrel, and you actually break through the bottom and start digging into the ground below.

First, it needs to be re-established that base form Zygarde looks like this:
Oh sorry, I meant 50% Zygarde, because this slimy turd thinks he's Toguro or something. Well, you may be 50%, but you'll always be 100% terrible to me, Zygarde. Anyway, I don't understand why we're humoring your dumb ass and giving you all these fucking forms and stuff - Did anybody want this? Any single human being on the face of the planet?

The other thing you will immediately notice is that 50% Zygarde bears little to no resemblance to 10% or 100% Zygarde. He goes from a dog, to a slug, to a gundam. Sure, he tried to maintain this hexagonal Razer-sponsored pattern, but there's no link besides that.

I won't even do them the decency of rating them separately, because they're all equally terrible. The dog is awful because it just looks like a re-coloring of someone else's OC, and the gundam ruins any attempt at a color scheme with red and blue panels, plus just generally looking like a particularly noxious Digimon. It's fucking awful and I want it to go away.

Finally, and those "core" and "cell" designs? I'm not sure what purpose they serve, other than to complete the Digimon link, and have redundant baby and even-more-baby forms of things. They look as if they were drawn on a napkin by someone's little brother, and then imported into MS paint and colored with the paint bucket. The kid who drew this, and the one who drew Druddigon, should get together for a playdate some time.

Oh, and the less said about GreninjAsh, the better. I don't understand, and I don't want to understand.

Overall: 0/100%

ps if they seriously add in fucking fusion dances with your Pokemon as the new gimmick next game I am gonna lose my goddamn mind

Thursday, February 18, 2016

No. 721: Volcanion

oh shit they officially released this angry red bastard, right?


Well, even if they haven't, I'll still give 'em a review, for old times sakes.

Dr. Donuts here has a unique typing - Fire/Water. It's taken them entirely too long to get around to this concept, and in the end I'm not sure how it fits? I guess he's supposed to get all steamy and shit, but  he just looks like a Fire/Steel or something to me. Fire/Rock, even.

Also, that big ring is actually two extra limbs holding hands at the top - something that does NOT communicate through the single art, which seems to be an increasing trend with Gen 6. Several Pokemon had neat little design quirks that you need to see their fully animated model to appreciate, and while that's cool and all, I kinda think that you really ought to fully understand a Pokemon from just the still alone, y'know?

In any case, it's incredibly silly. Dude got an inner tube stuck into his body. He was in a hula-hoop accident. He's looking like the Christmas ornament I got from my aunt last year, I can picture him hanging on the tree next to that Santa Claus in a Hawaiian skirt and the Papier-mâché Rudolf I made in 3rd grade.

Actually, you know what he really looks like? Some Megaman X boss. Like his name would be Vulcanring Tortoise, or something.


Overall: 3/10

Friday, January 8, 2016

Team Flare of Kalos

I forgot about these dudes. I legit thought I had finished. I just came back because I realized I ought to do that new Legendary, and maybe Zygarde's forms, and WHOOPS the kick-ass Team Flare was sitting in the corner all dusty-like! C'mon fellas, up and at 'em!


oh wow I love these fabulous motherfuckers. For a team based on "style", they certainly fit the bill. I love the boldly colored suits, that match perfectly with their hair and sunglasses. I like how they're wearing the same exact costume, the girl doesn't get forced into a mini-skirt, but gets to rock the same uncomfortably-tight pants that the guy does. The belt buckle feels a tiny bit large, and the logo could use work, but those are minor issues and have more to do with Flare as a whole, than these two hip cats.

Grunts: 10/10

These are basically the best "official" images I could get of the admins, and it's a damn shame, because these guys are somehow EVEN BETTER than the grunts. I mean holy shit do you see that male admin's cue-ball shine? his sunglasses, head, and suit are all exactly the same amount of shininess, and that amount is DAZZLING. Meanwhile, the female admin is rocking the "I get shit done" hair, and both of them are popping their collars something fierce. I love how they have gold belt buckles, to show they're a step up from the silver of the Grunts. They look classy, like high-powered Triad members from a planet where Red is the only color that exists aside from monochrome.

Admins: 10/10


Mable is the one with the spats and the hoop hair. Bryony is the one with the green hair and the maxtrix glasses. Aliana is the one with the yellow leggings and indecent posture. Celosia is the one with the shoulder pads and the optic blast. Remember that now.

Anyway, these ladies don't really fit with the previously established theme, bringing in a pit of techno-punk, but at least they keep the design principles the same. Red is still the primary color, with white or black accents. I like how each one gets their own color, thouogh I could do without the gold kneepads. Giving them all visors (and unique visors at that!) is a cool idea, as is the way their costumes are made up of similar elements, but combined in different ways.

With that said, what are their unique strengths and weaknesses? Mable has dumb hair, but I like the shoulder pads. Bryony's color compliments the red very well, and I like how she's wearing short shorts. Aliana has dumb leggings, her color isn't contrasting enough, and her visor doesn't make any sense unless her eyeballs are oriented vertically. Celosia is pretty much perfect except for that dollop of gold on her knee.

Mable: 7/10    Bryony: 10/10    Celosia: 9/10    Aliana: 5/10


Xerosic is technically a scientist like the rest of those girls, but I think he deserves his own paragraph. First, note that this dude came here straight from doing some freaking science, he's still got his sleeves rolled up and one glove on, the other crammed into a pocket. You disturbed him from his Important Research, you imbecile. Maybe it was on skin care, because he's looking a little... dead. In any case, he's still dressed to the Team Flare Dress Code (RED ALL THE TIME), and I dig his goggles and weirdo hair. He manages to look both like a scientist, or at least a technician, as well as vaguely sinister. Odd that he doesn't wear the team's logo, though. It's not much of a logo, but c'mon.

Xerosic: 9/10


Now the big man himself, Lysandre. Cool name, large hair, inscrutable plans, and bafflingly allowed to walk around and sit in public cafes in broad daylight despite being a known terrorist who gloats about destroying the world. I have an affinity for big fluffy fur collars, so he's got one there. Also keeps the general boss theme of subverting the normal team colors - he's still in red, black, and white, but this time black takes the fore-front. Combined with the Grunts and Admins, they would make a nice set. His suit is sharp, his hair is lion-esque, and maybe only slightly too over-the-top. I'll say he ought to wear his own logo, though. And it's a pity he doesn't have a belt buckle encrusted with diamonds to show he's the Top Dogg, but whatever. Still a very solid ensemble. You can see where the rest of the fashion sense comes from.

Lysandre: 9/10



Team Flare just goddamn rocks when it comes to their outfits, let's just make that abundantly clear. These guys look organized, coherent, villainous, and fashionable as hell. At the same time, their goals are both simple and stupid - they want to get rich doing crime things, and everybody who gets in the way can take a suck. I think the last time we had such an honestly evil team was Rocket, so that's long-welcome, after a parade of bizarre eco-terrorists and well-intentioned extremists. But Lysandre had some crap ideology about "eternal beauty" and there was this ancient Pokemon-king, and somehow a crystal... I dunno, it all seems like a dream, now. What the heck was the plot of XY, anyway?

Oh, and their logo is supposed to look like a flaming F, but the lower part isn't pronounced enough and it just looks like a lick of schwoop.


Overall: 9/10