No. 558: Crustle

My dream job would be a Space Wailord Scrubber. Why? 50% Bustles, 50% Crustles.

poor guy, looks like he's being squished. why he chose such a heavy piece of rock is beyond me. Or actually, I should be wondering where he found that piece of rock.

Look at it, it's got that stratification that happens as you go deeper into the Earth's crust! And it's such a perfect cube, too. How'd he get it? Rock like that isn't just lying around. You'd have to dig deep and precise to find such a hunk of stone and dirt.

See, Crustle is just not exciting to me. Aside from the fact that his name sounds like a veneral desease, he's just a pissy buy with tiny nippers hiding beneath an out-of-place rock. If the stone had parapets or something, that would be awesome, but as it is, I feel more pity for his sucky existence than anything else.


Overall: 2/10

No. 557: Dwebble

I was wondering when a hermit crab would appear as a Pokemon

I guess I was expecting something more extravagant  like maybe a crab living in a badass helm, or like inside a castle or something? Because this is really just a little guy living in a rock, and that already happens in nature.

On another note, Bug/Rock is a surprisingly good type combination. They both have a ton of weaknesses, but combined, only 3. And no double-weaknesses. so there's that.

Finally, I really think that's a dumb name. Appropriate for a kinda dumb Pokemon, but yeah. Dwebble. Reminds me of dweeb.


Overall: 3/10

No. 556: Maractus

Did you remember how much I like cacti?

the answer is "a lot". I like them a lot. Amingo, Cactuar, Togemon, Cacturne, and now I can add Maractus to the list of anthropomorphic cacti whose company I enjoy.

So, Maractus is a cactus that dances and shakes its booty like a maraca, I can dig it. Doesn't evolve, which is a pity, but I still prefer it to Lilligant. Maybe they should all meet up with Bellossom and have a dance-off?

I'm not gonna lie, this review is like 90% personal bias. The thing looks cute, the face and ears remind me of Kyuubey, and it isn't garbage if you want to actually use it in-game. I'd give it a big hug if it wouldn't poke me full of holes! And if it wasn't a virtual collection of data... ;_;


Overall: 8/10

No. 555: Darmanitan

oh gosh is that a little puff of steam right there in the official art oh wow that is adorable

There's a running theme with these Gen 5 Pokemon: power creep has set in, and they are here to run a train on your shit. Darmanitan has Physical Attack for days, and decent speed to boot. Plus Sheer Force boosts attack power by 30%, so he hits like Hulk Hogan on fire.

But I also love his design. Giant flaming eyebrows? holy check, yes. And did you see his teeth? Darmanitan isn't any dumb herbivore, this boy is a straight-up carnivore. And what he eats is everything. See, it's based on a gorilla, but very loosely. The body retains that round shape of Darumaka, and it just looks like a natural evolution.

Now, I suppose I ought to talk about Zen Mode.


I'm not really sure what to think about this one. If Darmanitan has its hidden ability, when it goes under 50% health, it goes into Zen Mode. In this mode, it trades Attack for Sp. Attack, and loses its speed in exchange for pretty good defense. Also, gains a Psychic sub-type.

This is a strange sort of idea, and doesn't work very well in practice. You see, no matter how many beefy Sp. Attack moves you load it up with, you won't get to use them. It triggers at the end of the turn you lose more than half of your health, and on that next turn, you'll move too slow to do anything. That added defense doesn't help, because your health will be so slow.

If he could just switch forms whenever he wanted, with a unique move or something, that would be usable. But as it is, regular Sheer Force Darmanitan is just too damn good to waste time mucking about with Zen Mode.


So in the end, Darmanitan is absolutely great. Zen Mode is lame. But fortunately, it's completely optional, so no harm no foul. Still kicks ass.


Overall: 10/10

No. 554: Darumaka

references to Japanese culture things are okay when I already know about them

See, there's this Dharma ball guy and you're supposed to shade in one eyeball and make a wish, then when it comes true you shade in the other. I've got like 20 of these suckers, all blind in one eye. It's a scam, I tell you.

I feel like between the monkeys, the firefighters, and Magmortar, we've been needing a completely original Fire Pokemon. And Darumaka fits the bill. First, he's all about the physical Attack, which is kinda unusual for a Fire-type. And of course, he isn't like anything else.

He's a hyper-active little ball of asswhooping, that's what he is. Nice warm color palette, plus he learns Flare Blitz all by himself before even evolving. Gamefreak wasn't messing around with this guy, he's here to hit things with physical Fire moves, and that's about it. Which he does quite well.


Overall: 8/10

No. 553: Krookodile

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm thankful that Krookodile's nose only kinda looks like a penis, instead of being unbearably phallic!


So, we're red now. That's kinda random, because the type didn't even change, but whatever. The shades are now also approaching Kamina-levels in terms of sheer attitude, or maybe more like Doflamingo-levels.

Krookodile is a freaking beast. Earthquake and Crunch, gg everything else. What's that, you're Flying? Tough luck, you get Rock Slide, go screw yourself. I dunno about you, but mine was faster than the west wind and hit harder than a Mack truck. And he enjoys being the engine of destruction that he is, you can tell it in his eyes. You can tell he is about to absolutely ruin someone's day.

Speaking of evil crocodiles that have sand-based powers, I'm beginning to think that this was all just one big Sir Crocodile reference, like from One Piece. Which only makes it better, honestly.


Overall: 9/10

No. 551: Krokorok

Also known as "That Pokemon who's name is spelled the same backwards and forwards"

But seriously, look at this sly smug son of a snake. Look at that stance, that gaze, that crossed arms. Holy SHIT is he full of himself. He's so full of shit, it's pouring out his ears, which he doesn't have.

Anyway, he's a croc that decided to stand up, and is still wearing sunglasses. The stripes are getting a little visually confusing, which might have been what they were going for, but I'm still gonna complain. The belly being pink, yet the stripes continuing across it looks weird to me. Most animals with patterns on their self, have an entirely different underbelly.


Overall: 6/10

No. 551: Sandile

What's that? Totodile wasn't enough alligator for you, you want a crocodile, too?

Are you even sure you know what the difference is? Because I'm not sure myself. All I know is, they are both definitely reptiles that swim a lot.

Sandile happens to be a cute little croc that wears glasses and I guess lives in the sand, but I'm willing to suspend by disbelief because of how goddamn much his face looks like an Animal Crossing character's face. Doesn't it? Doesn't he look like he ought to be named Croco or something?

Anyway, Ground/Dark is a fresh new combination, and Sandile doesn't look a thing like Totodile. Good show.


Overall: 7/10

No. 550: Basculin

Like Shellos before it, Basculin comes in two different flavors.


The Red Striped Basculin, commonly found in Black regions, has a noticeably spicy tang to it. Best smoked for 2 hours, or until the skin naturally peels away.



The Blue Striped Basculin, native to White waters, is noted for its tenderness and sweet flavor. Recommended cooked with basil and garlic at 400 degrees for twenty minutes, or until a golden brown.


Seriously, these guys are dumb fish is all. They have some sort of rivalry, like a Pokemon version of the legendary Jets / Sharks feud, or even worse, Packers / Bears. But on their own, neither one is interesting enough to use. They have barely passable stats, and are outclassed by tons of other much cooler Water-types.

It was a neat way to use up two generic fish designs on one Pokemon slot, and for that I commend Gamefreak, but I'd still rather eat them than battle with them.


Overall: 3/10

No. 549: Lilligant

apparently this one is real popular

is it because it looks like a girl wearing a dress

are you trying to sexualize Pokemon on me again

except this time it's moe as balls, instead of curvy like a french cartoon.


Anyway, I don't care much for it. Another generic collection of leaves and a flower. We already had a dancing Grass-type, her name was Bellossom. I appreciate that Lilligant only learns dancing moves upon level up, that's a nice little gimmick (like Throh leaning mainly throws) but it doesn't do much to make me think this wouldn't have been better off as a Bellossom evolution.

Which would be the fourth stage, I know, but let's talk about that. Why is it that Pokemon only go up to 3 stages? are they afraid to unleash the floodgates, with Digimon-style "we'll just add stages until we run out of ideas or go bankrupt" leveling? I suppose it's for the best. 3 is a manageable number, just like 2 types is fine. I think more moves might be a possibility, though...

anyway, Lilligant is elegant yet doesn't have shit to do with lilies. Her design is graceful and all, but it looks more like some Touhou girl than a Pokemon to me.


Overall: 4/10

No. 548: Petilil

the most memorable of Pokemon


Seriously, this shit is generic. Looks like something I'd cut up and throw in a salad, if I was into rabbit food. I mean, what even sort of plant is it? Most Grass-types are inspired by a particular plant, but this one just seems to be maybe a bulb of some sort. Despite its name involving "petal".

See, we're in that part of the generation where some of the Pokemon's designs have been getting more creative, but the typings and in-game niches are still being refilled. And as I've said many a time before, this is fine, because it's 150 all-new Pokemon, Oddish doesn't even exist anymore, they have to have something to take that place. And Petilil does that, except it's not as memorable as Oddish, who was like a little mandragora baby or something.

I don't give a damn about Petilil so hard, that the room is actually growing colder over here.


Overall: 2/10

No. 547: Whimsicott

Since I got denied of my giant-wooly-sheep Pokemon with Ampharos, I'm glad to see this one.


missed opportunity was not giving it a Flying-subtype, because then Hurricane would be even more devastating; Wait, no, it screwed me over enough times as it is. STAB Hurricane would make me very angry. Speaking of, I've always pronounced it "Hyur-eh-cain", but apparently it's just "Hurr-eh-cain". You know, like it's spelled. I don't know why I call it differently, I also mispronounced "genre" apparently. Look, I've forgotten what the original point of this paragraph is, so I'm just going to start a new one.

Whimsicott looks wonderfully fluffly, makes me want to ride on it or sleep on it like a big ol' cloud. I'm still salty that you can't actually sit on a cloud, that's bullshit. They look so comfortable. Actually, not sure if Whimsicott would be comfortable, since raw cotton is famously gritty and a pain to work with.


Overall: 7/10

No. 546: Cottonee

watch out, it'll shrink in the wash!

Cottonee reminds me of that Skiploom line from Gen 2, except where that line just had a bad movepool and horrid stats, this one has a focus on defense and speed, oddly enough.

um, I don't have much to say about this ball of fluff. I kind of ignored him in-game, and intend to do so out of game as well. I can't think of anything bad about him at all, but nothing remarkable either. I want to rub one of these guys up against a Mareep and see what would happen, though.


Overall: 5/10

No. 545: Scolipede

saw a gigantic house centipede the other day, shit was scary I tell ya w'hat


Scolipede, on the other hand, is just plain awesome. I love this guy. He can probably still roll up into a ball if he wants, but he can also walk around like a horse or something. He's got those antenna still, but now they're obviously sharp and dangerous.

and the way his neck arches back, and you realize that's actually an upper body with legs and all, is just great. I want to ride one. because look at his speed stats, he goes fast, despite the fact he's the biggest and heaviest of all the Bug Pokemon. and then he hits moderately hard, too.

Maybe he doesn't have the best movepool, but he's a badassly unique-looking centipede who knows a move called Steamroller. Ain't no way this guy isn't getting a good score. Guys like this remind me why I like Bug types.


Overall: 10/10

No. 544: Whirlipede

reminds me of those M.C. Escher things, the centipedes with human feet who curled up into balls and rolled around defying gravity and stuff.

So, I promised better, and here it freaking it. This pillbug just rolled up so much, it became like a wheel. Like a steamroller, ready to crush you like Dio Brando crushed Kujo Jotaro. Except, without that whole thing backfiring and getting exploded. Look, he'll run you over, is what I'm saying.

Again, it's a "cocoon stage", but holy piss, is it the best cocoon I've ever seen. This is how you make things new and cool, people. Whirlipede suffers from chronic lack of good stats (cept maybe defensive ones), which is a pity, because I want him to roll around at the speed of sound, like some sort of insectoid Sonic the Hedgehog.

Actually, I want him and Donphan to face off. Donphan has the type advantage, but can you imagine these guys wheeling into eachother? To drop yet another reference, it would be like if you crashed those cycle-things from MIB III into eachother. Except each one is as wide as a firetruck. And the whole thing is on fire.

That's how awesome it would be. A pity Whirlipede can't quite reach such heights on his own, because he's damn near perfect.


Overall: 9/10

No. 543: Venipede

there's always another bug.

Venipede is more interesting than Sewaddle, I'll give it that. Unique coloring, distinctive head-and-tail appendages. But man, between this one, the last one, Wurmple, Caterpie, and Weedle, we've got a whole bunch of grubs on our hands. Even more if you count Burmy, but I'm still trying to pretend that one was just a bad dream.

Ah, anyway, Venipede is obviously venomous, because Bug/Poison is something we've never seen before. But in this gen, it is, so yeah.

See, this first stage is kinda boring, but trust me, things get much better from here.


Overall: 5/10

3rd Anniversary

Hot damn, I missed it.

On Nov. 3rd, NAPACE turned 3 years old. That just seems so crazy bananas to me.

Makes me wonder if it'll be around for the 4th? Probably not, because unless I really step up the procrastination game, the 5th Gen ought to finish sometime in the Spring. And I doubt there'll be a new generation around for me to review by then...

huh. Maybe I can move on to judging the shit out of something else? Preferably Pokemon-related? What would you guys like to see this blog tackle, if anything?


Well, I'll just burn that bridge when I come to it. But for now, thanks for reading the Pokemon-induced rantings of a madman.

Just remember to not believe anyone who tells you every Pokemon can be a star, that's blatantly false. Not all Pokemon are Created Equal, after all. And it's my job to tell the unenlightened masses which ones are more equal than the rest.

No. 542: Leavanny

Leaf it to the final stage to vindicate a Pokemon!


Sweet Christmas  look how freakin' dapper this guy looks. He's got coattails, a proper, refined stance, pantaloons, and even bows a little in his animations I think. Guy's like the Fred Astaire of Bug Pokemon, which is admittedly a little like saying Ringo is the most prominent drummer in the Beatles, but my point still stands. classy bug is classy. I wish his shiny sprite was black and white, but that would be almost too much.

He also gets a pretty good attack and speed stats, which means you can just X-Scissor and Leaf Blade everything in your path. Just watch out for any lit matches, and you'll be fine. I think this is one of the few 3-stage-bugs that ends up actually above average. After nothing but shit for 2 generations, Bug Pokemon are finally making a comeback here in Unova.


Overall: 8/10

No. 541: Swadloon

There's nothing better than being comfy and warm when it's cold and wet outside.


So I empathize with Swadloon, I really do. The world is a cold, dark place, and if I could just huddle up in a blanket all the time, that would be pretty nice.

Unfortunately, that's also the path of the weak and spineless. Lackluster plebeians who can't face the world, hiding away - that ain't my style. Being a shut-in is for turbo nerds who can't handle how kickass reality is! Carpe Diem, Seize the Day!


...um, well. I find it kinda odd that every single 3-stage Bug Pokemon undergoes the larva-cocoon-adult process in some way. I mean, perhaps that's because a shit-ton of bugs really do that, but couldn't you be more imaginative? Wrapping up with leaves is a unique way of representing it, so I'm not super complaining, but I am getting a little bored with the trend. It's even worse that for some reason Salamence and Tyranitar had to go through that crap, they're dragons, not even bugs! What gives!?


Overall: 4/10

No. 540: Sewaddle

I know what you're thinking - ANOTHER caterpillar?

But hear me out - at least Sewaddle has a design that's more complex than "a caterpillar". To be precise, it's one of those bugs that sews leaves together or something. Actually, isn't that carpenter ants? Maybe silk is used? no wait, that's spiders. Okay, so I'm not really sure how it be, but it tries, which counts for something.

As for the rest, it's just sorta nothin' special. Lil' bug, nobs for legs, unblinking eyes, the usual.

And a tiny pair of round buttocks growing out of its head - or breasts, or testicles, or some other exciting new naughty bit - take your pick. I pick "no one bug should make me have to think of all this bullshit what the heck"


Overall: 3/10

No. 539: Sawk

It's the blue guy! yaaaaay


except, Throh had a gimmick in that he, well, threw shit all around the room. But Sawk just kinda has, uh, regular fighting moves. Sure, they're good ones, but they ain't something special.

In fact, I don't even know why they were thinking. Like I said, Throh was different, Sawk is generic. It's like pairing up a Fire/Water type and a Normal/Flying type and saying they're "destined rivals" or something, it'll be stupid.

Taken on his own, though, Sawk has the same acceptable design decisions that Throh has, except he's more lean and blue instead of stocky and red. So that's fine, but not really pushing him up over the average. And I still can't get over how generic Fighting-type he is. He doesn't even have any unique moves.


Overall: 4/10

No. 538: Throh

remember when fighting Pokemon had cool names, instead of just typos?


Throh is kinda cool, though. He gots quilted sleeves, that's neat. He's a judo-guy, he's wearing safety kneepads, alright.

More than that, though, is his moves. Dude has throws. He can use Circle Throw to just toss a fool out of the ring, Storm Throw which always crits, or Vital Throw which goes last but always hits. And none of those are any slouch on damage, either. Also he gets Siesmic Toss, which means no matter what, you're getting thrown. He's like Zangief, except a judo Pokemon instead of a hairy Russki.

Damn, but he is red though, isn't he?

Anyway, middling design, but a fun concept. Sure he's just a Fighting-type, but he's a different breed. Defense and Health instead of any semblance of Speed.


Overall: 7/10

No. 537: Seismitoad

I like his Japanese name better. "Gamageroge". Just rolls off the tongue.


but all those warts and shit are making me sick. hideous bulges all over his self, like, big as golf balls. It looks awful, like maybe they're filled with air waiting to pop, like plastic blisters? Or even worse, maybe they're filled with fluid.

Either way, it makes me unsure of the status of my stomach.

I like Seismitoad's general idea. Big fat boss frogs are badass. That one guy in Naruto is a good example. And he's got a good (if overplayed) typing, surf + earthquake just wrecks so many different kinds of shit.

But those goddamn boils, man. I don't wanna see them wigglin' and jigglin' all over my screen.


Overall: 4/10

No. 536: Palpitoad

aren't heart palpitations usually a bad thing?


In this case, they're at least an ugly thing. I mean, Christ, is that thing hideous. He looks like he didn't just get hit with the ugly stick, he got beat within an inch of his life by the ugly stick.

Pro tip for all you aspiring character designers out there: giving your characters large boils or warts that look like they might be filled with pus or eggs or something - not the best plan. Especially when you stick them on what looks like Globox, if he has his arms amputated, grew a half-assed tail, and forcibly expelled all of his charisma out his eyes.

To make matters worse, he's another Water/Ground. That type combo, while effective, isn't as fresh and new as it was in Gen 2. And this nasty shit's called the "Vibration Pokemon"? get bent, I don't give a piss.


Overall: 1/10

No. 535: Tympole

I hope you all had a spooky Halloween. I held off on Tympole til today because he's just too damn cute to spook anyone.

Aww, just look at 'im! Little bashful face, upturned eyebrows, he's trying his darnedest to look fierce, but it's November 1st, lil' guy! You don't have to scare anybody today!

Uh, though now that I look at you, I'm not really sure what even. Another tadpole, like Poliwag, but it's like a Taiko drum or something? with headphones on? or knobs or some shit?

eh, whatever. Timpani tadpole who keeps the tempo, I get it. Just another one that makes me wish there was a Sound type, as I've advocated for in the past.


Overall: 4/10